


Yes No Maybe

by justsomejerk



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Discussions of Breathplay and BDSM, Discussions of Graphic Sex, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Internalized Homophobia, Kink Negotiation, Kyle Valenti is a Romantic, M/M, Mentions of Disability Fetish (Not Kyle or Alex), Panic Attacks, Shame, So Many Sex Acts and Kinks Discussed but no Actual Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:21:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23387305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justsomejerk/pseuds/justsomejerk
Summary: At Kyle's suggestion, he and Alex fill in a Yes No Maybe sex list to open up communication about their sex life.
Relationships: Alex Manes/Kyle Valenti
Comments: 10
Kudos: 51





	Yes No Maybe

**Author's Note:**

> I love confident, adventurous Dom!Alex as much as the next fic reader, and I will keep reading it until you kind folks stop writing it. 
> 
> But I wanted to explore something different here. I think canon Alex has deep shame regarding sex and his sexuality, and hasn't yet confronted that enough to be comfortable with himself. I think he avoids talking about sex as much as possible, probably even while having it, so I decided to explore how he and Kyle would deal with that together. 
> 
> Alex discusses a few past sexual experiences that can be interpreted as dub-con. 
> 
> Many acts and kinks are named by not discussed in detail. Please see the end notes for a list of the kinks/acts discussed.

‘ _Have you ever used a butt plug?_ ’

Oh, fuck. When Kyle suggested they try one of those _yes, no, maybe_ lists to improve their communication about their sex life, Alex had tentatively agreed. Talking about sex wasn’t something he was used to. Talking about it while _having_ it was foreign enough for him. 

Now that he’s actually staring down at the list, seriously contemplating riding crops and threesomes, it’s exactly as hard as he imagined it would be. 

He’s also thinking about Kyle in his kitchen filling out a copy, wondering what he’s thinking while skimming over all these words – double penetration, daddy kink, open relationship, chastity belt, ice cubes, saran wrapping.

 _What the hell even_ is _saran wrapping?_

Alex is alarmed. He never should have agreed to this. Why did Kyle put together _this_ particular list, anyway? Is he bored with him? 

_No. Stop it,_ he orders himself. They already talked about this. Kyle made it clear this isn't about wanting a wilder sex life, it’s about learning to vocalize their wants, no matter how dirty or ashamed they might feel about them. 

When he raised the idea over brunch last weekend, Alex had frozen up. As usual. But he persisted in gently explaining that having one open, and undoubtedly awkward, conversation could be helpful for both of them. 

“Sex with you is the most mind-blowing I’ve ever had. But I’ve been doing some reading, and I think this kind of thing could still be beneficial for us. Apparently, a lot of people end up discovering new things about themselves and their partners while doing it.”

Alex had squinted at the earnest expression on his boyfriend’s face as he poured maple syrup on his waffles and feigned nonchalance. “New things? What kind of new things do you want us to be doing?”

Kyle laughed, but Alex could sense how heartfelt he was as he spoke. “Maybe none, I don’t know! I think of it as a way of taking something perfect– _us_ –and enhancing it. Plus, I haven’t always been as honest about my own wants and needs in past relationships, and this would be the perfect way to ensure we have those conversations. Talking about sex is awkward for everyone... I just want to make sure I’m doing everything I can to be good for you. I love you too much not to.” 

At those words, Alex knew he was a goner. Watching Kyle’s beaming face when he talked about him in that particular tone–the one that suggests Kyle is in a state of awe at the fact that they’re together at all–he couldn’t stop himself from surging across the table and surprising him with a kiss to his open mouth. He smiled against Kyle’s maple-flavoured lips, at the way his boyfriend’s fork clattered to the table so his fingers could twist in his hair and cradle his neck as he matched Alex’s frantic need for contact. 

Sometimes Alex is still bowled over by the reality that Kyle could want him this much. Almost as bowled over as he finds himself in the moments when he realizes he’s fallen in love again. 

Their breakfast forgotten, Alex climbed into his boyfriend’s lap and ran his fingers along his cheekbones as he murmured, “Let’s do it.”

Yet when he saw the green folder and highlighters that Kyle brought home from work tonight, eager to get started, his first instinct was to get snarky. It became near-impossible to resist the urge when Kyle excitedly pointed out the glossary he’d created himself on the last page. At the raise of Alex’s eyebrows, he defensively responded, “Hey, I wasn’t just a jock in college, I was a med student! My study guides were the best in my class. Also, it’s mostly for me. I hadn’t even _heard_ the term shrimping before.”

Alex couldn’t help but smile thinking about how hard he tried to be casual and _not_ blame him for them needing this experiment in the first place. Kyle knows him too well now to misunderstand how quiet he goes about sex; adulthood made Kyle perceptive, and Alex knows he can’t avoid confronting what his own internalized shame about his sexuality means for them as a couple forever. This is actually probably the healthiest, most non-confrontational option Kyle could have chosen, and Alex is grateful to him for that.

So he’s doing this, regardless of how weird it gets. He loves Kyle, and he doesn't want to lose him because of his own hang-ups. Alex gives himself a shake and starts filling out the spreadsheet in earnest. 

The next day, after finishing up a quiet lunch, they head out to the cabin. They want to ensure no interruptions, and they both love the nostalgic factor of spending time there as adults and, more importantly, as boyfriends. 

The day is already hot, but they’re set up under the jutting back roof. Kyle has gone out of his way to create a calming atmosphere – a little Bluetooth speaker set to a low volume, playing a low-key mix of high school classics he put together, comfortable chairs he’d dragged out of the shed and a low folding table between them piled high with their favourite snacks. The table is small enough they can hold hands, but big enough they will have a barrier keeping them from test-driving the topics they’d be discussing. Their filled-in charts are spread out before them.

Kyle smiles as Alex gulps down lemonade. “Go time?”

Alex bites his lip and nods, acutely feeling the condensation gathered on the glass seeping under the skin of his fingertips. 

“Safe sex.” Kyle gulps but offers a reassuring smile as they lock eyes at his words. “This one seems obvious, considering we always use condoms anyway. Which I think we should keep doing for the foreseeable future.” At this, Alex offers a brief nod, and Kyle continues. “But, uh, this connects to the later question about STD testing. Which we haven’t talked about.”

Alex offers several nods in quick succession. “Right. Um, we should do that then. Right? I’ve only had a few partners, but one of them is Michael and, well... he’s not always as responsible as he could be.” 

“I can make us appointments. We can go in together, if that’s okay.”

“I’d like that. As much as a person can like.. _that_.” Alex smiles ruefully, averting his eyes. “After the results, we can talk more about condoms, okay?”

“Agreed.” Kyle reaches out to grasp his hand loosely and they chuckle together. “That wasn’t so bad, right? We can do this.”

Alex rolls his eyes good-naturedly. “Yeah, I think we probably can.”

They fumble their way through a few more questions. Alex blushes furiously through the talk about their preferred terms for their body parts, but manages to clarify the only terms that don’t make him laugh with discomfort (dick and cock, which Kyle hurries to assure him are his top choices as well). They follow that up with what type of dirty talk they’d each like to indulge in – Kyle is pleasantly surprised when Alex stammers out his fondness for Kyle’s begging, and Kyle in turn admits how much he loves being called sweetheart and darling while giving head.

They both make sure to take notes. 

“PDAs.” Alex reads off the page in front of him. Biting his lip, he jumps in before Kyle can begin. “This one is complicated for me. I _do_ want to be able to kiss you in public and be okay with that, but it depends where we are. And I know that’s not enough, and I swear I’m working on it-”

“Alex, stop. Please.” He takes both of his hands and squeezes them in his own, brings one up to his lips and softly brushes his mouth against the dry skin of Alex’s thumb. “Do you know what I think when you take my hand under the table at the Crashdown? When you squeeze my thigh when no one is looking at the Wild Pony?”

“That I’m ashamed and I’m forcing you to hide in a glass closet with me?”

“That we’re something special enough that the world doesn’t deserve to see it. That you’re keeping us safe from the worst kind of people. And yeah, maybe if we lived somewhere else, we could kiss and touch each other in public, and I could brag to the entire world about how Alex Manes chose _me_ , but we don’t and that’s okay. I like the way things are.”

“I don’t.” Kyle is startled at those words. For a moment he appears genuinely hurt and Alex hurries to correct the assumption. “I mean, I _want_ us to be more public. I’ve been thinking a bit about Saturn’s Ring – the worst of the locals don’t hang out there, so I thought we could go sometime. I could see myself becoming a bit more comfortable in that sort of, um, environment.”

Alex is relieved when Kyle’s face lights up at his words. “I would love that, babe.”

After a few moments of snacking, Alex glances down at the next item and clears his throat before speaking, “Uh, outdoor sex. I wasn’t really sure what this refers to? Because if this is about exhibitionism or getting caught, that’s a hard no.”

“Oh, absolutely. I was thinking more like, if we happened to find ourselves in some really secluded spot in the woods or out in the desert, the beach, that sort of thing. Might be nice to try.”

“You’ve never actually had sex on the desert floor, have you?”

“Umm no. You have?” 

“You get sand _everywhere_ , Kyle. All the places you don’t want sand to be!” Alex puts his expressive eyebrows to use in getting his message across, making Kyle bark with laughter. “But I’ve definitely had thoughts about things we could do when Buffy wanders off during our walks in the woods back there. There are no neighbours for miles, and we would easily hear anyone coming with enough time to.. well.” Alex cocks his head in the direction of the treeline.

“Maybe we can get started on that plan tonight.” Kyle’s eyebrow wiggle forces a relaxed grin to Alex’s face. “There’s something else I wanted to bring up too though. While I know it’s not _technically_ outdoors, sometimes I think about us camping as kids and how we, ya know, _didn’t_ spend all those nights clumsily making out, and I think we should try correcting that mistake now.”

Through his laughter, Alex manages to spit out, “Clumsily? Does it have to be a _clumsy_ makeout, Kyle?”

“We were twelve, Alex! Of course it would have been clumsy. Awkward with too much teeth and floppy tongues but still absolutely perfect because it would have been with you.” 

Alex tilts his head and laughs fondly. “Okay, how about this? I’ve still got an old tent of ours lying around. It would be a tight squeeze at this point in our lives, but we could set it up some night with lots of blankets and I’ll try my best to act like a really inexperienced kisser for your sake.”

“You’re such a dreamboat, Manes.”

He shakes his head in response and moves on to the next topic. This time it’s sexting and Alex has clear rules – no photos with faces, but he’s open to attempting dirty messages when he’s off-duty. 

As for consuming porn together, they both offer tentative maybes. The idea of using body paint intrigues them both, so they earmark it for future exploration. Lap dancing is an enthusiastic yes from Kyle as a giver, taking Alex by surprise but after a moment of thought, he realizes it’s a positive surprise. Making videos of themselves is a hesitant maybe from Kyle, but a hard no for Alex. He explains he knows far too much about cracking systems to be comfortable doing that. 

Alex pauses at the next topic, and his voice is unnaturally high when he reads it out loud. “Cock rings and butt plugs.”

Kyle snickers and throws his hands in a pre-emptive gesture of defence. “Okay so here’s the thing: I’m good with both being used on me, with a caveat. There was a, uh- _situation_ once involving the use of a vibrating cock ring during my internship. After that, I set ground rules about not using toys when I’m at work or on call.”

“Please god tell me you performed surgery with someone randomly setting off the vibrations. _Please_ tell me that, Kyle.”

He laughs and shakes his head. “It was only during rounds, but one of the patients noticed. Thankfully they had a good sense of humour, but it was definitely one of the stupider things I ever did post-high school.”

“God, I love you.” Alex sits back in his chair and stares at Kyle in wonder, whose cheeks turn pink at his words. A rare occurrence for Dr. McSexy, he notes to himself.

“I love you too.”

As he grabs a kale chip, Alex winks and says, “Oh, and I’m a firm _why not_ on both. I started perusing the options for plugs online last night too. Though we’ll definitely have some long discussions beforehand about limits and we will be keeping play _inside_ the house for now.”

A choking sound comes from Kyle mid-lemonade sip and Alex chuckles. He realizes with a start that he’s having fun.

They go back and forth for a little while, finding themselves in sync on numerous subjects – nipple play, biting and scratching all incite eagerness from them both. Though Alex stumbles hesitantly over his words when cock worship is mentioned, he makes it clear with an emphatic yes that he wants it, with the added caveat that he might not know how to handle the attention at first. Hair pulling and exhibitionism are both no’s, while edging is a curious maybe to be saved for a long weekend in the future. 

Alex is taken aback when Kyle reveals a certain fondness for toe-sucking (what Alex discovered to be shrimping, according to Kyle’s overly detailed glossary) as both a receiver and giver. It had never occurred to him to even want that before, but the look on Kyle’s face when he talks about it is enticing enough that he promises they’ll give it a try soon.

Things are going smoothly until Alex realizes they’ve reached the section delving into all things BDSM. 

Suddenly anxious, he drops the tablet he’s been using to bookmark sex toy websites and make notes, and eagerly starts snacking instead.

Noticing the subtle change in atmosphere, Kyle follows suit, letting a relaxed silence fall over them for a few minutes. Buffy had been snoozing under the table between them but she now lazily climbs to her feet and waddles out towards a patch of sunlight in the middle of the yard and plops down, promptly returning to dozing. 

After watching her for a few minutes, Alex breaks the silence. “This part makes me nervous.” 

They reach for one another simultaneously, meeting in the middle to entangle their fingers. “Would you be okay telling me why?” Kyle asks quietly, gentle encouragement in his voice.

“I don’t want you to be disappointed if I’m not adventurous enough. There are some things that I just can’t–” Alex cuts himself off as his voice quivers on his last words. 

“Hey.” His voice is soft but firm. “The point here is finding the things we want to try _together_. There’s nothing I’m so interested in that I would still want it if I knew it made you uncomfortable.”

“I never want you to slap me.” He says it abruptly, in a rush to throw the words down defensively between them.

“Then I don’t want to do that.” Kyle responds without missing a beat, still clutching Alex’s hands tightly in his own. 

“Are you sure?” His voice is small, and strained.

He looks Alex in the eye and responds with a firm, “Yes.” 

Alex’s shoulders sag as he exhales and releases the tension built up in his body. He gets to his feet, hovering over his seat in order to pull Kyle’s hands closer to his face and plant a series of light kisses over them, watching his face closely throughout, hoping his eyes are communicating the love he wants to show. 

When he has relaxed back into his chair and started popping more kale chips in his mouth, gazing out at the trees, Kyle speaks up. “Would you be more comfortable if one of us just listed off all of our answers for the next section at once?”

The sunlight is slowly crawling towards their setup in the shade and Alex is reaching his toes out towards the sunny patch. Continuing to stretch his leg, he looks up at Kyle. “No, we can keep going. It’s okay.”

“Okay. Well, I’m not really interested in being slapped, so we can take that off the table completely. Uh, spanking. That one… I’m actually really into. I may have some go-to fantasies that involve you spanking me.”

“You _may_ have those fantasies?” Alex teases, raising his eyebrows and tucking his leg under the table to give his full attention to this particular revelation.

“Maybe they’re in fairly heavy rotation, okay? But I wasn’t sure how you felt about it, and, uh, I was a little nervous to ask. For anything rough.”

Alex frowns, his forehead creasing as he chews his bottom lip. Pauses for an interminable moment as Kyle worries about his response, but ultimately breaks the silence with a teasing tone. “You know, I may enjoy some light spanking myself.”

Kyle’s eyebrows jump. “Captain Manes, you’ve been holding out on me!” 

He shrugs in response, barely blushing at this point with all they’ve discussed today. “Just to be clear, I’m not looking for you to lay me across your lap and punish me.”

“What if that’s what I’m looking for from you?”

“Um. Well, I’m not sure how good I would be at that. And I guarantee I will laugh during our first try out of sheer awkwardness, but I will do my best.” A long pause as Alex glances down at the sheet in front of him and taps a rhythm on his tablet. “I know we’re not quite there yet, but do you wanna talk about the dom-sub thing? Because you’re displaying some tendencies here, Valenti.”

This is the first time Kyle appears evasive, looking down at his fidgeting clasped hands. “I guess.”

“Kyle?”

“Right, yeah. Yes, I guess submission is something I’m especially interested in. Not as a lifestyle – it’s strictly sexual – but there was this one time a girl tied me up and it was– well. It was memorable. We didn’t work out and I’ve always been too afraid to ask for that sort of thing again.”

“Okay. I’m open to that. Would you like to share some fantasies you’re interested in trying?”

Deep breaths. “Tying up my wrists and ankles is probably my number one. Spanking, being blindfolded. Uh, face fucking.” This time Kyle actually blushes. “Not that I’ve done that before, considering you’re the first guy I’ve been with, but I really like that sort of loss of control. I’m not sure how much I’d like pain, but I thought, if all of that goes well and we’re enjoying it, maybe we could test out a riding crop or a paddle to see. If that’s okay with you, of course.”

As he speaks, Alex maintains a neutral mask. He doesn’t want Kyle misinterpreting some microexpression of his and backing off his confession, as he’d been so hesitant to open up in the first place. He won’t admit it to Kyle, but he’s relieved he’s not the only one with hangups and insecurities and fears about sex. Kyle has always been so confident–not even being by his side while Kyle wrestled with his new understanding of his father and all their work dismantling Project Shepherd disrupted Alex’s image of Kyle as cocky, self-assured and unshakeable. Dating him has confirmed Kyle is all those things regarding his body and his competence–he is very aware of the devastating effect his jawline has on both men and women, and Alex has never revealed that Kyle’s brazen certainty in his blow job expertise didn’t translate into actual skill until well into their second month of dating. And while Alex has now become intimately aware of the many ways Kyle feels uncertainty, he has never indicated any regarding his sexual preferences. Hell, he accepted his new bisexual identity with ease and he’s never expressed unsatisfaction with their sex life. 

It’s a new experience to see Kyle unsure like he is now, eyes averted and stammering now and again, so he waits placidly until he looks up from his hands to respond with determination. “I’m more than okay with that. I want to do _all_ those things with you.”

Kyle’s relief is palpable, his smile blinding. “I was looking up some of the terms last night, and I think I’m a switch. In case that’s relevant information.”

Alex hesitates before offering his reply. “I did some research too. I think I might be the same? I don’t know, I’ve never really done this negotiation thing before, so I’ve never had the words to talk about the things I’ve done. But I guess I’ve played both roles to a certain degree. I feel like I get a different kind of comfort from playing each role, you know?”

“I think I know what you mean.” 

They smile at one another knowingly for a long beat before Alex speaks again. “So I guess I should talk about my preferences too. I think I’d like to try being tied up eventually, but I might have to work up to that. It makes me nervous, but um, in a way where I still wanna try it. I prefer the idea of tying _you_ up, to be honest. I’ve also thought a lot about toys and what might work for me. I don’t like the idea of riding crops. It just seems– well. I don’t think I want that. But floggers? I was reading they don’t always have to be used for pain, that you can use them to just– uh, stroke along the skin?” Here is where the pink rises in Alex’s cheeks. “That sounds nice. Soothing, you know? I think that’s something I’d like. If it’s you doing it, at least.”

“I love that. God, that sounds so hot.”

“Easy there, Valenti. We agreed to a hands-off discussion!”

“Hey, I’m keeping these hands to myself. But I’m allowed to fantasize about my hot naked boyfriend being hot and naked!”

“Kyle.”

“Okay, I’m done. I swear! Go on.”

Alex chuckles briefly before looking down at the sheet and sighing a bit. He doesn’t look up as he speaks. “One thing I’m not sure I could handle is blindfolding. Uh, back when I first joined the Air Force.. well, it was often pretty obvious who was closeted. Hookups happened, but mostly in the dark, where we wouldn’t be caught easily, and we couldn’t see each other. It all felt so dirty and shameful. I hadn’t thought much about it until I read the question yesterday, but since then, I guess I’ve always had a preference for keeping the lights on during sex. I never connected that to all of those hookups, but I think maybe that’s what it is. No matter who I’m with, it automatically feels anonymous and shitty and just _bad_ when I can’t see who I’m with.” It is only when he has stopped speaking and Kyle remains silent that he slowly glances up at him through his lashes, fearing his reaction.

Kyle’s face is concerned and loving, just as Alex reminds himself is the reaction he should expect. This is _Kyle_. 

“I’m sorry you’ve had so many bad experiences, babe. But I’ve always loved that you keep the lights on. And you know what I’ve always wanted to do more of? You’re gonna call me corny for this, I know it, but we should use candles more often.”

“ _Of course_ you want us to have romantic candlelit sex, you sap. Should we play Sara Bareilles and the Once soundtrack as background music too?”

Kyle throws a kale chip at him in retaliation. “I knew you’d make fun of me! But only because you secretly want it too.”

“You’re such a soppy romantic.” Alex rolls his eyes. Kyle isn’t fooled though, and he notes that Alex doesn’t deny his accusation, and even proceeds to jot something down on his form. 

Shaking his head knowingly, he glances down and reads the next topic. “Breath play.”

“Um.” Kyle sees the moment before he is even finished speaking that Alex’s demeanour has changed. For the first time since early on in their conversation, Alex takes one of his deep breaths that Kyle recognizes as one of his PTSD coping strategies when a situation is becoming too much for him. “No. It’s a no. So, next up is fetish clothing-”

“Alex?”

“Hmm?”

“You’re upset. Can we pause on the new questions for now?”

In response, Alex visibly gulps. “I just- can’t. I’m gonna go to the bathroom.” He stands so abruptly, the table shakes and their glasses jostle, sending drops of lemonade splashing across the surface. The vein in Kyle’s forehead pulses with concern and Alex tries to smile reassuringly. “Just give me a few minutes, okay? I promise we’ll talk about it when I get back.”

Kyle nods with a concerned but trusting smile. It’s only a couple minutes before Alex returns, pausing in the cabin’s back door. Kyle offers unspoken reassurances with a soft smile. 

Alex is leaning heavily on his crutch, despite wearing his prosthesis. His attempts at steady breaths are laboured, his face is tired and he rests his temple against the doorframe.

Watching him carefully, Kyle decides to remain in his chair. Alex doesn’t respond well to crowding in moments like this. 

“My dad only ever choked me once. It was the day he smashed Michael’s hand. Before that, I’d only ever seen him do it to my mom.” He is staring out at the yard, his eyes vacant for a moment before they suddenly fill with tears. “What kind of person would grow up seeing that and still get off on the idea being choked? Why would I want that? What’s wrong with me?”

Kyle is pained watching the tears coursing down Alex’s cheeks, but he doesn’t move from his chair. He places his hands on the table in front of him resolutely and responds: “Babe, there’s nothing wrong with you. Wherever this fantasy comes from, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Please know that. You can’t help what turns you on.”

All Alex can do is shake his head and push his forehead against the doorframe. 

“Alex, baby, please. We don’t have to try this if you never want to. It can just be a fantasy. But I will _absolutely_ do it with you if you ever decide it’s something you want. We’ll talk about it, we’ll do research, have the safe words in place. I will do everything in my power to make you feel safe and secure. But it’s also okay not to. Anything you want. Please talk to me, baby.”

While there remains clear tension in his body, Alex shifts his head against the doorframe to watch Kyle, a despondent expression in his features. “I just don’t understand why I want this. It’s like- it’s like I’m still giving him power over me in this way that I can’t even control.” 

Turning in his chair so he is fully facing Alex, Kyle chooses his words carefully. “I think I understand why you would feel that way. As much as I _can_ understand, anyway. But there’s another way of looking at it.” With an eyebrow raise, he asks if he should continue. Going off Alex’s head jerk, he continues. “Maybe exploring this thing that is on your mind with someone you trust, someone you love, is the opposite of giving him the power. Maybe you’d be taking it back. Giving yourself the chance to control that act in a context that is only about pleasure and trust and us together.” Kyle offers an uncertain smile to match Alex’s furrowed brow. “At least, that’s how I would see it.”

A few long minutes go by before Alex slowly trudges over to stand in front of Kyle, nudging himself between his legs. He tosses the crutch aside and drops down into Kyle’s lap, wrapping himself around his boyfriend and burying his head in his neck. Kyle wraps an arm protectively around his waist and the other squeezes his thigh, holding him securely across his lap. Alex’s lips are open against the collar of Kyle’s henley and the words are muffled when he murmurs a low _thank you_.

“We can stop for today. It’s getting hot anyway. Maybe we could go take a nap? I’ll give you a massage.”

“No, I’m okay. I want to keep going for now.”

He shifts in Kyle’s lap, leaning in for a quick kiss that lingers as Kyle’s hand moves up Alex’s clothed thigh and underneath the hem of his shirt, grazing the skin of his hip. 

“Mmm, while this is nice, I really do think we should keep going before we get carried away. Come on, Valenti. We don’t have to sit five feet apart the whole day but I probably shouldn’t be in your lap for this part.” While his morose expression has melted away, Alex hasn’t recovered his joking mood from earlier. Instead, he has that expression Kyle has noticed is reserved only for him. Determined but tender, resolute yet lacking the stiff soldier performance he adopts for the others during alien-inspired crises.

“Which part is that?” Alex is now holding a hand out for Kyle to take. He does so happily and Alex walks them to the low set of steps leading down to the backyard.

As they both gaze at Buffy content in the sunlight, digging their bare feet into the sun-heated grass, they lean against one another and Alex responds, “That depends what you want to tackle next. We’ve got role play, chastity belts, multiple penetration, bodily fluids-”

“It’s been a pretty heavy afternoon, babe. Why don’t we go with something a bit less intense? Like aftercare. What kind of aftercare do you think you’d like after subbing?”

He can feel Kyle’s eyes on him as he squints against the sunlight to see Buffy at peace curled up on the grass. “One thing that I like to do after a long day is take a bath.”

Kyle gives him a bright smile. “Would you like it if I washed your hair?”

Alex appears moved by the question and murmurs his assent before leaning into Kyle’s body, sagging against him and letting Kyle’s arm wrap around his shoulders. “What about you?”

“I’m not really sure. Just being held might be enough, you know? If you’ve left marks, maybe you could rub aloe on them.”

After that, the conversation peters out. They’d originally agreed they might continue the conversation the following day if they needed a break, and it seems to be coming to its natural conclusion until Alex lifts his head from where it has been leaning on Kyle’s shoulder.

“We can keep everything else until tomorrow, but there’s one thing I wanted to ask you about. The last item on the list.”

Kyle’s expression tells him he knows exactly what he’s asking about.

“Disability fetish. Why did you put that on the list? I mean, I guess I know why. But I’d like to hear it from you.”

“It’s not something you talk about. I know it’s something that happens, there are all these awful communities dedicated to it online. I thought- I don’t know. It’s not something I want, it feels wrong. I could never treat you that way. But I’ve wondered if you have feelings about it.”

The look Alex gives him is startling. He is tense, shaking his head. On the verge of something resembling anger, yet it rapidly fades into defeat. 

“There’s only one person I was involved with between the accident and Michael. He had a friend in the hospital in Germany where I was for three months, and we got to know each other casually. I was in such a bad state of mind I didn’t pick up on- well. There was one day when we hooked up in my room. I was drugged- for the pain, not by him. It wasn’t much, not enough for him to know I wasn’t in my right mind, but I don’t think that would have been a problem for him anyway. He kept um, he kept touching my leg and I would just say no, no, not there, but he kept going back- When I started crying and wouldn’t stop, he got really frustrated and left.”

“Jesus Christ.” 

“It was only because I was an amputee. One of the nurses told me that day when she found me crying that she’d been worried something like this might happen. I guess he had a reputation.”

“Why didn’t she warn you?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’m really sorry. I wish I’d been around sooner. I wish I’d been here the whole time for you. I never want you to feel alone and used like that, Alex.”

“I won’t anymore. I have you now.” 

His tone is matter-of-fact and Kyle feels warm relief blooming in his chest. Alex didn’t hesitate this time. Kyle knows it’s hard for him to accept love in the way he often gives it - unconditionally, emphatically, physically. In foolish, loving, over-the-top bursts of adoration and compliments and home-cooked meals. In walks with the dog and being friendly with his insufferable ex and taking great care to provide the most inconspicuous hand job a man has ever given his boyfriend while watching Incredibles 2 at the drive-in. 

“Yes you do. And I love you so much.”

Alex murmurs his agreement against Kyle’s lips as he offers a slow, lazy kiss. 

At that moment, clouds shift overhead and suddenly they are in sunlight. 

Minutes pass as they bask in one another, uttering quiet intimacies between touches.

As Kyle nibbles at the skin below his ear, his fingertips press into his chest through the thin fabric of his shirt. Alex pulls Kyle’s hand to the place where his clothed leg meets his prosthesis and, firming pressing Kyle’s hand against it, he surprises himself with the strength of his voice. “I like when you stroke it. Really softly. When we’re.. You know. It makes me feel taken care of. I don’t want you to be nervous to do things like that.”

“I love taking care of you.” He whispers it into Alex’s ear even as he takes the delicate shell between his teeth and tugs lightly. All the while he massages into his leg where Alex’s hand remains lying atop his, following even the most minute movements of his hands as it works to be felt under the thick khaki. “I’m gonna do it as long as you let me.”

Alex shivers at the promise in his words. Eye closed, he turns his head towards the sun, fingers scratching Kyle’s scalp as the man easily allows himself to be moved as well, his lips never leaving the tan skin of Alex’s throat.

He allows himself to enjoy Kyle’s touch for a few long beats before lightly tugging at a lock of his hair, a signal they use to gently bring one another out of a blissed-out moment so they can talk. 

Kyle reluctantly pulls back, a hand dragging down from Alex’s hair to cradle his face. 

“Hey. Listen, I know we have more to go over tomorrow-”

“It’s truly a sin that we haven’t gotten to the delightful topic of saran wrapping yet.” Kyle interjects with an amused quirk of an eyebrow as his fingers dance along Alex’s jawline affectionately.

With a rueful smile, Alex nods towards Buffy. “But how about for now, we take my girl for a walk in the woods and you can have your way with me against the sturdiest tree we can find? What do you say, Kyle–yes, no, maybe?” 

Alex can practically see the fondness erupt inside Kyle as he grins widely and takes Alex’s hand in his own. With a slow kiss to his cheek, he looks Alex in the eye and responds, “Yes.”

**Author's Note:**

> As promised above, a list of kinks/acts discussed: safe sex and STD/HIV testing, D/S role play, bondage, discipline/punishment, many different types of toys, choking, blindfolding, general sensory deprivation, toe sucking, aftercare and disability fetishists. Please let me know if there is anything I should add to the list.


End file.
